In my former career as a textile designer, I had a boss whose greatest pleasure was demeaning his staff. His one discernible talent: creating clever nicknames. For instance, his perfectly bright, long suffering assistant was dubbed "Miss Ding-Dong." A designer who observed the Sabbath, was "Rusha Homa"; she left before sundown on Fridays, a terrible inconvenience to the stylist even though the time was made up during the employee's lunch hour. My nickname will remain unspoken.

When he finally left - in the most humiliating (and satisfying) way (the contents of his desk, where he hid tiny bundles of oddities: the best color swatches; pictures of kittens torn from magazines) were dumped into boxes and stacked in the company's front hall. The next morning, a security guard, hired specifically for the occasion, escorted him from the building. We were sorry that a party couldn't be arranged before his big send off (we held that in his behalf later that week) and joked that there wasn't a card to mail to our dear departed that could possibly express our feelings.

If I were to experience my old boss now (something I still have nightmares about), I'd have a card all right. I'd have more appropriately nasty cards than I'd know what to do with.

More than all the new themes seen (at the National Stationery Show, May 17-21, 2008) - "green" paper and vegetable dyes, customer designed stationery and coordinates, vivid Lily Pulitzer-style hues - cards that express the unspoken "I loathe you" are popping up all over the market. Even cards congratulating expectant or soon-to-be parents have an edge.

Leslie Kolk of Oh My Word believes, "People should say what they are thinking….I think cards should speak like we do. Or at least, like I do." Kolk's "Just Because" series offers a perfect card for my darling former employer: in simple lowercase type, the front reads "just because." Inside, "you're a '…..' and someone needed to tell you." So eloquent. So concise.

Kolk is in good company. Julianna Holowka's Mean Cards for Many Occasions, are illustrated with simple stick figures so nothing distracts from the sincerest of messages. One begins "I wish you the finest in life," and continues, "I suggest you marry well." (Admit it. As soon as you read those lines you knew just the person to receive that card.)

Kit Cowan of Prettybitter offers beautifully engraved calling cards reminiscent of those people exchanged at the turn of the century. These though, sport the kind of names one thinks to oneself, say after that waiter rolled his eyes when you ordered water flat not sparkling. His card, with a touching tribute to motherhood, will be appreciated by any new mom with a dark, sleep-deprived, sense of humor (isn't that all of them?)

 

"Chief cardmeister" Kiki Parry's Alternate Greetings offer a slightly edgy collection called Then Comes Baby that would offend only the most sanctimonious of new parents. They're great, but my previous terrorist would never entertain the idea of fatherhood. The card embossed with vintage fruit and flowers that draws the reader in with its Oprah-esque: "When life gives you lemons" is for him. If you're reading this my darling Jeffrey, log on to Parry's site (alternategreetings.com) for the conclusion to the heartfelt message.

I couldn't have said better myself.

Originally published June 15, 2008